Frisman Jackson, Jr. Hates Russians

There’s a confession to be made, and it is this: Frisman Jackson, Jr. loves his hockey. That’s going to sound improbable to Frisman’s readers, but Frisman can tell you it goes back to baby-Frisman times, when some fucker kept calling Frisman “Canadian.” Frisman wasn’t too sure what that douche was talking about, but there was definitely a response along the lines of, “Frisman’s going to skate circles around you,” and on it went. Frisman doesn’t remember exactly how it went down, but he’s pretty sure that dude drowned in a lake. Clarence can check the records. Fuck him anyway.

 

So Frisman is rested up for the real hockey season, which everybody knows begins after the Superbowl. (Frisman is not on board for the poseur who says the season begins with the playoffs, sit your ass down on the sofa in February and bone up, don’t tell Frisman you’re hardcore because you stayed up to watch the first OT in Cal-gary, especially if the game went double). There’s only 30 games left, suck it up.

 

Getting into his groove, Frisman checks the leaderboard, and it’s nice to see a bunch of fellow Canadians up there beating back the commie spies. Hey sadfatman, how do you get the one word hyperlinks? Clarence can’t figure this out. Appleworks is a little slow.

 

http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/stats/bycategory?cat=Offense&conference=NHL&year=season_2008&sort=1

 

Well Frisman will just tell you what it says: Ovechkin is on top with 41 goals, and a whole bunch of guys who never get a mention on espn are after him in the low 30s. (It’s pretty clear that they’re only allowed to talk hockey using the words Sidney, Crosby, Ovechkin, a smattering of Malkin, and an assload of Slapshot jokes. Canadian or not, Frisman thinks Slapshot is crud.)

 

But Frisman doesn’t cut corners. Here’s the top 11 (yeah Professor, 11) goalscorers, with their shots and percentage. For the uninitiated, .15 is very good, rates above that are often the guys who plant in the crease and hack away. Like a big man in hoops who gets “free” attempts at tip ins, which are only counted when they go in, the scrum in front won’t register as an official attempt unless the puck goes in. Under .1 is terrible, the domain of defensemen who are trying to generate tips and rebounds.

 

Name	Team		G			Shots		Pct
AlexanderOvechkin	WAS		41			363		.113
Jeff Carter	PHI		34			239		.142
Zach Parise	NJD		34			249		.137
Marian Hossa	DET		33			245		.135
Patrick Marleau	SAN		32			184		.174
Thomas Vanek	BUF		32			164		.195
Ilya Kovalchuk	ATL		29			197		.147
Michael Cammalleri	CGY		29			170		.171
Loui Eriksson	DAL		27			124		.218
Dany Heatley	OTT		26			170		.153
Evgeni Malkin	PIT		25			211		.118

 

This is a travesty. Where is hockey sabremetrician Guillame James to straighten this out? Ovechkin is Vinny Castilla times Joe Carter, peppered with a little Allen Iverson (early years) and greased with some Rey Ordonez, just to make sure. And that other russki Malkin pulls the same shit. Shooting percentage doesn’t mean as much in hockey as rate statistics in other sports, but face it, this guy is a chucker. He’s outpacing the other gunners in shots by about 50%, but only getting a few more goals out of it. Frisman appreciates that the good players take more shots because they can get them, but this guy blows.

 

Go back to Russia. Leave the hockey to the Canadians.

 

And the Canadians.

Frisman Jackson, Jr.

Racism undone, redone?

Frisman Jackson is watching this NLCS with great attention, because he noticed the two best black teams in baseball are playing. It’s Rollins-Howard vs. Ethier-Kemp-Loney-Martin. Frisman isn’t too sure about Martin, he’s Canadian and his full name is Russell Nathan Coltrane Jeanson Martin, but the first 3 are solid enough. Riding pine/DL are Gordon and Pierre, and there’s some deep bench Frisman is ignoring.

 

In addition, the Phils get a bonus for spinning 5^th outfielder/nothing Michael Bourn (.222 EqA, .588 OPS, and the Astros let him bat leadoff most of the year) into Brad Lidge. The Astros might have been working off the guilt of being the first team since way back when to go to the World Series without a black guy. Frisman will consider Lidge to be three-fifths black.

So Frisman was all set with his Mad Dog to watch his brothers get some prime time, but then notices something’s up with the Phillies lineup. They’ve only got 2 –iz’es, and they bat 7^th and 8^th, and they suck, and only avoid being platoon players because they can field, and they’re holding off Dobbs and Coste, not exactly prime playing time challengers. There’s no Spanish on the bench at all, and on the hill there’s only Romero and Seanez, making 4 total. Even looking at the laundry list of everyone who got in a game this year, there’s no more.

 

Seanez comes with the following adjustments: He’s actually American, from California (-3). He , wasn’t even on the playoff roster for the first round (-2), and Frisman didn’t know if they put him on for this round (-1), having lost the job to 2 white lefties (-1), 1 named J.A. but pronounced Jay (-2) and the other released from the Cubs midseason with a 7.15 ERA (-2). Rudy’s middle name is Caballero (+11).

 

Frisman likes what he sees. My black guys are bringing more than the Spaniards! And Ruiz probably loses his job next year to a young white guy named Lou, Seanez will probably go to his 19^th team, and they have a Bourn doppelganger (Golson) who should mercifully get Geoff Jenkins’s AB’s. The Phils even had 2 Canadians and 2 Japanese, although none are likely to be back next year.

 

Frisman Jackson, Jr.

Frisman Jackson, Jr. on Homeruns

The race against 40 HR is on. At least, Frisman Jackson’s race is on since the last time nobody hit 40 was 1982. It happened three times in the 70’s, in 1952, and a bunch in the WWII years, then you have to go back before Ruth.

 

But the last time only one guy hit 40 was 1989, when Kevin Mitchell smacked 47 and the next closest were McGriff and Howard Johnson at 36. This year, Howard has locked things up with 45 already, and the way that guy plays in October, Frisman will put the over/under at 59. So Frisman is keeping his eye on Dunn (37) and Delgado (36). Also to be feared is A-Hole (35), since his OPS goes up to 6.341 in meaningless at-bats.

 

For margin of victory, Howard will have to go to work to beat Mitchell. Cecil Fielder (Frisman is obligated to point out that only black guys are showing up in this study) also won by 11 in 1990, beating Sandberg 51-40. Some points for the McGwire (65)-Sosa (63) tandem of 1999, as Sosa was 15 ahead of Griffey. Frisman knows they were on the sauce, but since everybody else was too, why should they be penalized?

 

Clearly, the only way to true single season HR dominance is to be a fat black man.

 

Frisman Jackson, Jr.

Frisman Jackson Jr. goes Olympics over all your asses

No surprise that HR Melvin is getting bored with the Olympics. As soon as the Black Olympics start, he’s suddenly tired of it. Frisman Jackson Jr. would be pretty tired of it too if he blew a week watching dopey white guys splash around in the pool and other dopey white guys splash around while tossing a volleyball, and spoiled little girls hanging from rings and spoiled big girls bouncing around on horses and skinny white dudes jumping off a cliff. [Yeah, Frisman knows there’s some hoops on, but even he gets burnt out on these guys. And Frisman isn’t getting up at 6 a.m.]

 

No sir, all Frisman Jackson needs is a big oval with lines on it, some beautiful brothers and sisters running around it, and leave the white guys on the sidelines to pretend they have to do judging when all you need is a TV camera to tell you who crossed the line first. Affirmative action at its best. Frisman did notice the Czechs have a guy named Petr Svoboda who was at least getting to the semis. But Frisman turned off the computer and straightened the rabbit ears out to get some real Olympics, even if they can’t get a real brother to do the announcing.

 

Frisman would like to give out Gold, Silver, and Bronze medals to his favorite track stars, except it would be an insult to all these brothers to get a bronze, especially with all the bullshit medals they give out in the other sports. So Frisman only gives out Golds.  

 

Nowhere to start except with a Gold for Usain Bolt. Frisman is a little pissed that he’s using the nickname “Lightning” which is about as clever as everyone named Gordon being called Flash. Even worse since Bolt is already an ideal fit for the greatest sprinter ever. If his name were Usain Jacobs, “Bolt” Jacobs would be Frisman’s moniker of choice. So We are not going to waste this opportunity for a groundbreaking nickname:

 

Usain “Bolt” Bolt.

 

After the first race, “Bolt” Bolt was headed straight to the Zeus chair in the Frisman Jackson Jr. pantheon. He wins the signature event by so much that he doesn’t even care about stats and records, “Bolt” knows he’s the best, he knows he’s crushed the competition, he knows Asafa is crying at 50m, and he knows on the first day of track that the Michael Phelps era is over. That is how a race is meant to be played.

 

But Frisman has to knock Bolt down a bit because he started playing with stats in the 200m, leaning at the tape, watching the clock. Maybe those pansies on their 10-speeds race against the clock [Frisman uses his ten speed because the pigs can’t chase him down tight alleys]. Bolt races against men, and crushes them. Frisman wants to see a cartwheel at the end of that one. Put the others in their place. If you know you’re the best, everybody will know it too.

 

Also a gold for Lolo Jones. Yeah, she fell, but she’s hot. Frisman can’t really tell if she’s black or not, but close enough. There might have been some gold here for Sanya Richards, but she just ran out of gas, and did the lousiest get-to-know-me segment ever with Aaron Ross, so Frisman has to drop that sister.

 

Two Golds for Angelo Taylor. Frisman doesn’t need to know about the “pleading guilty to contributing to the delinquency of two under-age girls” and he doesn’t even need to see the two separate wins in 2000 and 2008. Any brother who can show up with the wraparound sunglasses and 4-inch goatee is a champion in Frisman’s book.

 

Also a Gold for Walter Dix. Style points here too. But his Gold is for answering “how do you feel after getting a bronze because two guys ahead of you got DQ’d?” with “I lost.” Scratch that, he gets 2 Golds.

 

But the Black Olympics aren’t just for the black guys, just like they let Luc Longley play in the NBA for 10 years. A Frisman Jackson Jr. Gold for the big ugly white chick discus thrower. She has a real job, trains on her own, and shows up and wins. Frisman never really understood this Frisbee thing, so We couldn’t count on the sisters for that one.  

 

Gold for the American chick who came in second in the pole vault. Nothing for the Russian who won, Frisman doesn’t like the chicks who confuse “fit” with “hot.” [By the way, Frisman interviewed his own Russian, and Jesus, like 11.3 even with a strict bell curve in place. Frisman is going to have a hard (but happy) time if We can hire her. Frisman is also looking forward to the destroyed self-esteem that will hit some of the other chicks] But the American goes over to her coach afterwards and he just rips into her for all the things she fucked up, then gives her a halfhearted congrats on the silver, even though the Russian is Sergei Bubka in a skirt and she never had a chance. Then it was a little weird afterwards since she was kind of a slow talker in the interview, perhaps mildly special, so maybe this coach knows what he’s doing. But Frisman likes the chicks who can take it.

 

By the way, Frisman has been pretty salty long before this Olympics about the relay races. If teams were getting DQ’d once in a blue moon, he’d understand, but every damn race has a dropped baton or lane violation or some madeup junk. This needs a rule change. Frisman will begin his campaign for IOC chair since nobody else is taking care of this. So Gold for US teams. Even though Jamaica would have bitch-slapped them in the finals, they get bumped because IOC can’t even come up with good rules for the Black Olympics. Gold too for Jamaica, since how can this not end with Frisman Jackson Jr. giving Jamaica a Gold?

Frisman Jackson, Jr.’s Lady Problems

Things were humming along just fine for Frisman Jackson, Jr. Sure, Frisman’s apartment is a dump and his cable’s been out for three days, but he can work around those things. But what Frisman can’t handle is the ladies at work, especially now that wedding season is here. Here’s the deal:

 

There’s five ladies here, for anonymity let’s number them 6.6, 6.8, 7.1, 7.7, 9.2. The sixes actually get bumped up because of other factors, and the sevens bumped down because of failures in the other factors. 9.2 has started going to the gym, so things are only looking up there.

 

7.1 is getting married, and invited the whole gang, Frisman included. (Frisman’s not too concerned about this, he scrambled a little for a wedding date because he really won’t know anyone at all. But at the moment there’s no one around of wedding date caliber, but he’ll just go, be a little bored, mingle, eat and drink his share, and bolt early.) But the problem is, 7.1 is a few years older than the rest, who are fresh out of college. 7.1 has some cash, and so does her fiancé, and if the invitations are an indication, it’s going to be the real deal.

 

But 6.6, 6.8, 7.7, and 9.2 don’t really have the cash, and while everybody’s reasonably cozy, they don’t want to drive out to Long Island, pick something off the bloated registry, and then pay double when the boyfriends tag along. Then Frisman hears some junk about some boyfriends aren’t necessarily invited for reasons Frisman is not privy to. Then Frisman hears more junk that even if you don’t come, gift is still expected. Frisman doesn’t have any idea what’s happening with the shower, and hopes to never find out.

 

Now Frisman Jackson, Jr. couldn’t possibly give a shit about any of this, except the RSVP’s are due this week and this thing isn’t until the end of September. So he’s spent a good 15 hours listening to everybody’s petty bullshit and pretending he gives a damn. But in a way, Frisman does give a damn, because this is 8 more weeks of hurt feelings and lady shit ahead, and Frisman just needs it all to go away. It’s one thing to not drive to Chicago for a guy you haven’t seen in five years, it’s another to not go to Long Island for somebody you have to see every day. So by Tuesday night, Frisman thought all was well: everyone seemed to be on board to just pay the $100, spend the day and be done with it. But something happened since then and 7.7 talked herself out of it, and now the rest are reconsidering. Frisman does not need to hear any more of this shit, but they keep coming by. Clarence meanwhile got invited, but he can’t stand 7.1 and everyone kind of knows it, so when he doesn’t show it won’t be such a big deal.

 

The good news is there’s no other weddings on the calendar here, so this is one and done. But this is putting a serious crimp into Frisman’s baseball research time. Clarence has been no help, he can’t figure out how to narrow the Access query to do position-specific research to compare the –onzalezes to the –iths and –illiamses who also play shortstop, he keeps running into the problem that it captures anyone who ever plays the position, so there’s a lot of double counting.

 

Two more months of this for Frisman Jackson, Jr. And next month they get raises, and the shit will go down when they figure out they didn’t all get the same bump.

 

Frisman Jackson, Jr.