There’s a confession to be made, and it is this: Frisman Jackson, Jr. loves his hockey. That’s going to sound improbable to Frisman’s readers, but Frisman can tell you it goes back to baby-Frisman times, when some fucker kept calling Frisman “Canadian.” Frisman wasn’t too sure what that douche was talking about, but there was definitely a response along the lines of, “Frisman’s going to skate circles around you,” and on it went. Frisman doesn’t remember exactly how it went down, but he’s pretty sure that dude drowned in a lake. Clarence can check the records. Fuck him anyway.
So Frisman is rested up for the real hockey season, which everybody knows begins after the Superbowl. (Frisman is not on board for the poseur who says the season begins with the playoffs, sit your ass down on the sofa in February and bone up, don’t tell Frisman you’re hardcore because you stayed up to watch the first OT in Cal-gary, especially if the game went double). There’s only 30 games left, suck it up.
Getting into his groove, Frisman checks the leaderboard, and it’s nice to see a bunch of fellow Canadians up there beating back the commie spies. Hey sadfatman, how do you get the one word hyperlinks? Clarence can’t figure this out. Appleworks is a little slow.
http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/stats/bycategory?cat=Offense&conference=NHL&year=season_2008&sort=1
Well Frisman will just tell you what it says: Ovechkin is on top with 41 goals, and a whole bunch of guys who never get a mention on espn are after him in the low 30s. (It’s pretty clear that they’re only allowed to talk hockey using the words Sidney, Crosby, Ovechkin, a smattering of Malkin, and an assload of Slapshot jokes. Canadian or not, Frisman thinks Slapshot is crud.)
But Frisman doesn’t cut corners. Here’s the top 11 (yeah Professor, 11) goalscorers, with their shots and percentage. For the uninitiated, .15 is very good, rates above that are often the guys who plant in the crease and hack away. Like a big man in hoops who gets “free” attempts at tip ins, which are only counted when they go in, the scrum in front won’t register as an official attempt unless the puck goes in. Under .1 is terrible, the domain of defensemen who are trying to generate tips and rebounds.
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|
G |
|
|
Shots |
|
|||
|
|
41 |
|
|
363 |
|
.113 |
||
|
|
34 |
|
|
239 |
|
.142 |
||
|
|
34 |
|
|
249 |
|
.137 |
||
|
|
33 |
|
|
245 |
|
.135 |
||
|
|
32 |
|
|
184 |
|
.174 |
||
|
|
32 |
|
|
164 |
|
.195 |
||
|
|
29 |
|
|
197 |
|
.147 |
||
|
|
29 |
|
|
170 |
|
.171 |
||
|
|
27 |
|
|
124 |
|
.218 |
||
|
|
26 |
|
|
170 |
|
.153 |
||
|
|
25 |
|
|
211 |
|
.118 |
This is a travesty. Where is hockey sabremetrician Guillame James to straighten this out? Ovechkin is Vinny Castilla times Joe Carter, peppered with a little Allen Iverson (early years) and greased with some Rey Ordonez, just to make sure. And that other russki Malkin pulls the same shit. Shooting percentage doesn’t mean as much in hockey as rate statistics in other sports, but face it, this guy is a chucker. He’s outpacing the other gunners in shots by about 50%, but only getting a few more goals out of it. Frisman appreciates that the good players take more shots because they can get them, but this guy blows.
Go back to Russia. Leave the hockey to the Canadians.
And the Canadians.
Frisman Jackson, Jr.
The Arbiters 